go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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