Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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