Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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