oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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