You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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