I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's blow job season.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
