Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
