Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
