dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
