Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
