Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
