Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
