of course. lets lasso hookers.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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