If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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