I'm so fucking centered right now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
