You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
