I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Of course I have a pirate flag
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
