I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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