I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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