Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This baby is an asshole
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
