i already hear my dad disowning me
Come see our sink grown plant.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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