you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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