The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
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