god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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