final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
