Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
