Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
