wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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