I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
