Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
