better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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