He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
