I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
