i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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