That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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