and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
