just tell him i said nine months
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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