DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
