In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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