i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
