one word: firstdatebathroomanal
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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