please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
