so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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