So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
