You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
FUCK WHALES
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
