I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
