After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
