We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
