people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
