Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
