Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
